PEACE

Finding peace as a busy mom, working woman and wife is something that is a rare commodity. And in today’s world of busy errands and to do lists, peace is hard to find. Life’s trials also disrupt our peace. This year my peace has been destroyed with my father’s death, my cousin’s death and two of my grand-fathers. Death has tried to rob my peace. And death seems to surround so many as young mothers I know have lost their husbands and are left to raise their small children. World events and terrorism have caused destruction and tragedy. The aftermath is a nation without peace.

But I realize that the peace I and probably you have been looking for- is worldly peace. See, we want our lives to run smoothly. We want there to be no conflict, no trouble, no sadness, no problems. We want peace that comes from perfect circumstances. But in our sin fallen world, we will not see peace. We will not be comforted with the promise of an easy life.

This sounds depressing- I know! But there is HOPE! At this time of year we celebrate Jesus’ birth. And we need to remember HE is our peace. Isaiah 9:6 For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Jesus IS peace.

The word in John 16:33 tells us “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Jesus will bless us with his peace!

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

His peace, is not the world’s peace. Despite our circumstances, we can live in peace. How do we do this? How do we rise above our earthly troubles and find peace in the midst of turmoil?

We need a change in perspective. We need an eternal view. When we think of our eternity we can have peace. We know the ending! When we are ruled by the spirit and not ruled by our circumstance we have victory! Romans 8:6 The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.

In order to have peace in this world, we need to go to the father. We need to seek his words and remind ourselves WHO God is and remember all he has done and will do! Isaiah 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.

We have a trustworthy advocate! Life may not make sense, but Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

My prayer for you and for me, is to seek Jesus and find peace in him.

The Victor’s Crown

Have you heard the song, “He wears the Victor’s crown?” I love this song. I remember singing it at church not too long ago and thinking about the victory of Christ. The victory in Jesus. He wears the victor’s crown because he has overcome.A lyric in the song says, “At the cross the work was finished.
You were buried in the ground.
But the grave could not contain. You
For You wear the Victor’s crown.”

I think I find comfort in the Victor’s Crown song because it reminds me of my dad’s favorite song which was “Victory in Jesus”. Always positive with a fighting spirit, he loved the idea of triumphing over opposition.

Read the lyrics and consider the victory we have in Jesus.

I heard an old, old story,
How a Savior came from glory,
How He gave His life on Calvary
To save a wretch like me;
I heard about His groaning,
Of His precious blood’s atoning,
Then I repented of my sins
And won the victory.

Chorus
O victory in Jesus,
My Savior, forever.
He sought me and bought me
With His redeeming blood;
He loved me ere I knew Him
And all my love is due Him,
He plunged me to victory,
Beneath the cleansing flood.

I heard about His healing,
Of His cleansing pow’r revealing.
How He made the lame to walk again
And caused the blind to see;
And then I cried, “Dear Jesus,
Come and heal my broken spirit,”
And somehow Jesus came and bro’t
To me the victory.

Chorus
O victory in Jesus,
My Savior, forever.
He sought me and bought me
With His redeeming blood;
He loved me ere I knew Him
And all my love is due Him,
He plunged me to victory,
Beneath the cleansing flood.

I heard about a mansion
He has built for me in glory.
And I heard about the streets of gold
Beyond the crystal sea;
About the angels singing,
And the old redemption story,
And some sweet day I’ll sing up there
The song of victory.

Chorus
O victory in Jesus,
My Savior, forever.
He sought me and bought me
With His redeeming blood;
He loved me ere I knew Him
And all my love is due Him,
He plunged me to victory,
Beneath the cleansing flood.

I was told yesterday as I sat in the hospice room of my grandpa who is my dad’s dad, that his favorite song is Victory in Jesus. Last night, my grandpa went to glory and is now celebrating with my dad and so many others in our family that we’ve recently lost.

It seems that death has surrounded me so much lately. But when I think of that song, when I think of victory in Jesus, I know that life- eternal life has surrounded me lately. What a difference a shift in perspective can do!

Victory means overcoming. 1 Corinthians 15:55-57 says “Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”

So we have victory in Jesus which means we are victors. This brings me back to my thoughts on the crown.

A study of the crown in the bible besides being a sign of royalty, represents God’s glory.
• Isaiah 28:5 At that time the Lord All-Powerful will become the “Beautiful Crown.” He will be the “Wonderful Crown of Flowers” for his people who are left.
• Hebrews 2:9 For a short time Jesus was made lower than the angels, but now we see him wearing a crown of glory and honor because he suffered and died. Because of God’s grace, Jesus died for everyone.
What a contrast to the mocking during his crucifixion!
• Mark 15:17 They put a purple robe on Jesus, made a crown from thorny branches, and put it on his head.
• John 19:2 The soldiers made a crown from thorny branches and put it on his head. Then they put a purple robe around him.
• John 19:5 Then Jesus came out wearing the crown of thorns and the purple robe. Pilate said to the Jews, “Here is the man!”
In addition to the crown representing God’s glory, the crown is also something that is bestowed upon us and represents our blessing in Christ.
• Revelation 3:11 “I am coming soon. Hold on to the faith you have, so that no one can take away your crown.”
• Isaiah 35:10 The Lord will make his people free, and they will come back to him. They will come into Zion rejoicing. They will be happy forever. Their happiness will be like a crown on their heads. Gladness and joy will fill them completely. Sorrow and sadness will be far, far away.
• Isaiah 51:11 The Lord will save his people. They will return to Zion with joy. They will be very happy. Their happiness will be like a crown on their heads forever. They will be singing with joy. All sadness will be gone far away.
• Isaiah 61:3 those in Zion who mourn. I will take away the ashes on their head, and I will give them a crown. I will take away their sadness, and I will give them the oil of happiness. I will take away their sorrow, and I will give them celebration clothes. He sent me to name them ‘Good Trees’ and ‘The Lord’s Wonderful Plant.’
• Isaiah 62:3 You will be like a beautiful crown that the Lord holds up, like a king’s crown in the hand of your God.
• 2 Timothy 4:8 Now, a prize is waiting for me—the crown that will show I am right with God. The Lord, the judge who judges rightly, will give it to me on that Day. Yes, he will give it to me and to everyone else who is eagerly looking forward to his coming.
• 1 Peter 5:4 Then when Christ the Ruling Shepherd comes, you will get a crown—one that will be glorious and never lose its beauty.

We dear friends, can be victorious. We can have victory and wear a crown one day- representing God’s glory, his power and his blessings upon us. My goal is to change my focus, to not stay stuck in sadness and loss.  I loved that my pastor spoke last Sunday about jumping over walls of difficult circumstances by fixing our minds on God’s purpose. I will do my best to lay my thoughts on God and to focus on the victory in Jesus.

HOPE

HOPE is defined as the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. What happens when we lose our hope? Or when our hopes are dashed? Perhaps the real reason for our disappointment lies in where we are placing, or rather misplacing our hope.

It is easy to be downcast in this world. Proverbs 13:12 says that “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” One commentary explains the verse like this: “When your dreams do not come true, it is easy to become depressed. But notice, the hope is not necessarily failed. It is only deferred. The Hebrew word in this place means “to drag.” And so the Proverb is saying that when your hope takes a long time to come to fruition, when it drags, the time of waiting can be very sad and disappointing.”

I’ve felt a loss of hope with my dad’s death. I know I’ll see him again, but I’ve become a little hopeless and very sad that I can’t see him right now. I want to be present with him this instant. I want him at our dinner table and at my son’s football game and so much more. My grief has left me a little hopeless. But I love how this verse points out “deferred.”  Time is deferred when it comes to the hope of seeing my dad again. It is not failed- not permanent. I will see him again. But I must focus on the hope that will come in time- it may not be right now- but it will come in time.

Romans 12:23 says that we are to Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation and be constant in prayer.  To rejoice means to be glad; take delight – so we are to take delight in our hope. We have to be patient in our trials and constantly be praying. We are to praise God for what will be – not what is not right now.

And while we have earthly hopes and desires, we need to let the main thing be the main thing. God is our main thing. Our focus and our hope should be placed in Him.

1 Corinthians 15:19 says “If in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied.” We can’t just have hopes for the lives we are living. Hope on Earth only is to be pitied. We must have eternal hope.

Paul Fritz, a Trinity College Profesor says, “Some people fail to realize how discouragement, dryness and frustration are related to a faulty sense of hope. A person who hopes in God cannot be overwhelmed by hurts from people because they are not looking to people for their source of satisfaction. The Lord never leaves us, forsakes us or fails us.”

He continues his example with Psalm 42:11- Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.” When our hope is totally in the Lord we are not disturbed when things do not go our way. Hope in God helps us base our expectation on all the characteristics of God instead of our circumstances or feelings.”

Easier said than done right? The point I think is to focus on the characteristics of God, who is good, who is powerful, who is sovereign, who is ever-loving, all-knowing and perfect in all ways. Make a list of all of God’s attributes.  Redirect our focus on who He is. We can place our hope in Him. This means when things don’t go as planned- we won’t lose hope. Because we know that God is good. That God is for us, not against us. That He will use all things to his glory. Psalm 71:14 says “But I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more.”

Romans 5:1-5 says “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

I encourage you not to lose hope. This world will let us down, but God never will. Redirect your hopes to him- placing your focus on our father. 1 Thessalonians 5:8 gives us this charge, “But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, having put on the breastplate of faith and love, and for a helmet the hope of salvation.” A commentary of this verse on Godvine says it like this: “Faith enables us to endure, as seeing him who is invisible; love excites us to diligence and activity, and makes us bear our troubles and difficulties pleasantly; hope helps us to anticipate the great end, the glory that shall be revealed, and which we know we shall in due time obtain, if we faint not.”

Power & Flowers

Flower Power

I had a dream last night that I was getting ready for a fight.  I was going to be doing some kind of boxing-karate type match.  I didn’t know who my competitor was- but I was training and confident that I could win.  Then I saw my opponent.  She was a foot taller than me and her kicks were so high.  I used to be known for my head shots when I took Tae Kwon Do as a kid and I thought- she has my moves! And she’s bigger than me.  But then I thought- I can take her if I have more power.  She may be bigger, her kicks higher, but if I have more strength- I can win.  Then I walked to the ring and sitting in the front row was my dad.  Then I woke up.

I have not been able to stop thinking of this dream.  The analogies seem obvious to me. We are all fighting a fight and our opponents seem bigger than us.  We think we can’t win – our obstacles are too big- too overwhelming for us.  But if we have more power behind us- in us- we can win. That power is Jesus.

Ephesians 1:19-21 says, “And what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might that he worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places, far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come.”

Psalm 147:5, “Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure.”

His power can give us strength!

Isaiah 40:29-31 “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

Psalm 28:7-8 “The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.  The Lord is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.”

To tap into God’s power we have to hear him. For him to strengthen us, we have to be in his word.  Psalm 119:28 “My soul is weary with sorrow, strengthen me according to your word.”

We have to listen to the Holy Spirit speaking to us.  I feel he has been talking to me lately.  I have this beautiful rose bush in my yard.  I saw a few flowers blooming on the bush and thought I need to hurry and cut those and put them in a vase before they bloom too fast.  So I cut one and brought into my house and put it in water.  The next day I was washing my hands at the sink, staring at the rose, when the thought crossed my mind.  Flowers bloom and grow quickest when attached to the bush.  When you cut them, they bloom slower.  We are like a rose, we bloom and grow faster when attached to the vine- to Jesus.

Job 26:14 says, “Behold, these are but the outskirts of his ways, and how small a whisper do we hear of him! But the thunder of his power who can understand?”

We have every opportunity to be strengthened, to tap into his power, if only we would commune with him, listen to him and we will bloom like a beautiful rose on the vine!

Aftermath

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger as the saying goes. But it certainly leave scars. Physical and emotional.  When we look back at the storm we’ve come through we can be left feeling a million emotions. We feel inspired, we feel exhausted, we feel overwhelmed and we can also feel defeated. How is it possible to feel such a dichotomy of emotions? Because we are complicated beings.
I’ve felt there must be a purpose for my life that the things I’ve gone through have not been in vain. Yet another part of me feels like a liar like I’ve made that up so that I can feel better about my circumstances. But then I see God’s hand. I see how he’s worked in my life and how each blessing he has had a part in. Yet I feel completely burdened and downtrodden because now what? If I was to have something come out of this pain if this affliction should bear fruit then what fruit should I be bearing? What am I to do? This leads to more overwhelming questions. How can I do this? What am I supposed to do with this? People tell me to write a book but about what? How I survived life? What advice to give others? I didn’t choose hard times I simply walked through them. I did so with God’s support, his power and my family. But what lessons have I learned? What does God want me to share with others? Sometime I wonder what the point of this all is. We live in a fallen world and maybe that’s it but then I know that God can use everything for the good of those who love him.

I felt so unwilling to write for a long time.  This last surgery really took a toll on me.  It left me feeling abused and depressed.  I felt like everything was meaningless. So I didn’t write.  People – friends and family- were SO amazing and continue to be so amazing to me during this process. I felt so loved and felt the love of God through people helping me- meals for my family, watching and transporting my kids, sending me cards, visiting me in the hospital, bringing me thoughtful gifts.  I really was so touched.  It confirms that people need people who care and love them and that we are called to be the hands of feet of God on Earth.

People have asked me how I am doing, and I have been giving a pat answer that I am through the worst of it.  But honestly, the more I thought about it, the more I felt that wasn’t true.  I think the aftermath of the storm is just as hard- in a different way.  We need to process what we went through and figure out the purpose behind it. I liken the experience to a soldier in war.  That soldier is focused, just trying to make it through the battle.  It is painful- but the soldier blocks it all out- just keeps pushing through.  Then the war is over. Then another battle begins.  Processing it all.  Finding purpose and meaning afterwards.  I feel like that soldier. I am sure others feel that way too.  After the storm how do we find meaning? What does God want from us? This is a question I will be focusing on- for me and for you. Join me on a journey of finding the meaning of our scars and how they can be a reminder of God’s love and healing and purpose for our lives.

A Divine Appointment

Ok, I know I said my last post was it before my surgery but I had to share a story with you!  Have you wondered if God hears you?  I mean, really, really hears you?  It is one thing to say you believe that God loves you and listens to you, but another to really believe it.  God gave me such a confirmation that he hears our cries and I wanted to share!

Monday night I did something I knew better than to do.  I googled.  I googled my surgery and of course read things that instilled fear in my heart.  I starting thinking of all the bad things that could happen with my surgery.  I became very discouraged and sad.  In an instant, those negative thoughts brought me down.  I was crying and praying to God.  I asked God to give me comfort, hope, a sign, a dream- something!  I was at the end of my rope.  And as my mom says, when you are at the end of your rope, God gives you more rope!  My brother reminded me also that we can find comfort in the midst of our trouble, not because of the absence of trouble, but because God is with us.

Tuesday I decided to take my kids to lunch at Chick Fil A.  I will often go through the drive thru- but I can count on one hand the times I have gone inside to eat.  But we had time, and I thought the kids could play inside after lunch.  Once we got our booth, I ran into a family friend and they asked me about my upcoming surgery and the name of my doctor, etc. We had a brief conversation and then they left.  Suddenly, the older man sitting nearby asked me a question.  “Did you say Dr. Birhle is your doctor?”  Yes I replied, warily.  The man then proceeds to tell me he had bladder cancer and Dr. Birhle has done 6 of his surgeries and is the BEST!  My eyes welled with tears!  I just received a God wink.  He was confirming I had the best doctor, and that this man had not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5 BUT 6 SURGERIES with this surgeon.   I told the man that I had been praying to God the night before for comfort and that God gave me this divine appointment with him.  This was unbelievable!  The man thought so too, so he pulled out his wallet and showed me Dr. Birhle’s card!  We continued to talk and the man was also a Christian and said his friend had cancer and was having a hard time.  He told his friend that we will have new bodies in heaven.  I told the man about my dad and how I was reading a book about heaven and how great it will be.   We smiled and wished each other well and he left.

How great is our God? That he hears us in our despair? Psalms 66:19-20 says, “But certainly God has heard; He has given heed to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God who has not turned away my prayer- nor His loving kindness from me.”

Hebrews 4:15-16 “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”

Psalm 56:8 “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”

Psalm 18:3 “I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from my enemies.” Psalm 18:6 “In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried to my God: He heard my voice out of His temple, and my cry came before Him, even into His ears.”

1 John 5:14-15 “This is the confidence which we have before Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him.”

I have such confidence that God hears me and I want you to know he hears you too!  He loves us!  Oh how he loves us! Why do I share this story?  Psalm 50:15 says, “And call upon Me in the day of trouble: I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me.”  I want to glorify God in my journey and I want you to know how good he is.  Draw near to him, and he will draw nearer to you! God is good all the time, All the time God is good.

Tug of War

Before I give this post, I’ll give a disclaimer.  I wrote this a week ago.  But I couldn’t publish it because I didn’t fully commit to the truth that God revealed to me.  I was having an internal tug of war.  Two opposing truths were fighting back and forth in my mind and in my heart. I knew the truth, but I was still mad and hurt and upset.   I have seen such sadness and pain and I think I was at my lowest point.  Let’s face it- with all that is going on in the world, it is easy to get depressed and discouraged.  It’s easy to just want Jesus to come and end this charade.  In my depressed state, I went to hole up in bed with my mama and we watched the movie, Unbroken. During the film, which is truly inspiring, one of the quotes that I really connected with and shook me up and out of my funk, is the quote, “If I can take it, I can make it.”  In the end, we will have trials in this earth, (John 16:33) but with Christ I can take it, and I will make it.  So I’m not giving up.  Lord, I’m listening and I’m accepting whatever it is you want to say to me.

_____

Why is it that we have a hard time remembering a compliment yet have trouble forgetting an insult? Why is it that we forget the good things that have happened in our lives and focus on the bad?

I was lying in bed last week unable to get comfortable the tube in my back poking me at every turn having to adjust the cord and bag and tears roll down my cheeks.  I started to cry thinking of everything that has happened in my life. I really started thinking about the last eight years. I thought, “Lord how could my child have endured such pain and near death? How could I have been diagnosed with cancer?  Why did we have to endure such a stressful adoption process? Why did my scar tissue pop up and I have to have my kidney removed? Why did my dad die?  Why do I have a neph tube in my back and a scary upcoming surgery? Why is my life so hard?

I just laid there crying over my life. Then as I was still and quiet hearing the rain just hit the roof I felt something change. I remember the words of Christine Caine.  She is a phenomenal Christian speaker and she spoke at the IF: Gathering.  I was at the simulcast and was listening to her story.  She was talking about being a survivor of her sexual abuse. She said while she was abused for 10 years she was not abused for 35. That thought came to my mind in the still of the night after my weeping. Why is it that we remember all of the terrible things in our lives and yet forget all of the good? I had 28 years with my dad. I had 28 years of a relatively stress-free, uneventful, happy, normal life. What a blessing!  Am I going to be defined as having a hard life based on 8 out of 36 years of my life? No! To do so would be to forget all of the blessings that God has given me. To do so would be to forget how the Lord has preserved my life.

If I look at my situation in a new lens I can say, Lord, my child was sick, but you healed him!  Lord, I had cancer, but you healed me!  Lord, the adoption was stressful, but we have a beautiful child! Lord, my kidney was gone, but I have another! Lord, my neph tube is bothering me, but it is preserving my remaining kidney!  The upcoming surgery is scary, but it will restore me!  Lord, my dad is dead, but he is with you in glory!  I can look at those hard times and realize that in our weakness God perfects us. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

When we are going through trials we need to focus on the good that God has done!  Philippians 4:8  says “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.”

If we look at the Israelites in the Bible we often give them a hard time and say how can you forget all that God has brought you through? But we are Israelites. We forget all that God has brought us through. We don’t see God’s protection.  We don’t understand how a certain situation didn’t work out like we thought. We don’t see how rejection was God’s protection. We don’t see that the bad times in our lives can have value and that those moments have opportunity for our growth and those are the times that we can draw nearer to God.

The song, Blessed Be His Name often comes to mind when I am suffering.  The lyrics are:

Blessed Be Your Name

In the land that is plentiful

Where Your streams of abundance flow

Blessed be Your name

 

Blessed Be Your name

When I’m found in the desert place

Though I walk through the wilderness

Blessed Be Your name

 

Every blessing You pour out

I’ll turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say

 

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

 

Blessed be Your name

When the sun’s shining down on me

When the world’s ‘all as it should be’

Blessed be Your name

 

Blessed be Your name

On the road marked with suffering

Though there’s pain in the offering

Blessed be Your name

 

Every blessing You pour out

I’ll turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say, Blessed be your name.

Do not let your life be defined by the bad moments. Remember the good moments!

When those bad times come to your mind pray for God to show you how he is going to have you glorify him in that moment. Pray for him to give you the strength to endure- and for perseverance.  Pray to be changed for the better so that it is not in vain!

Deuteronomy 1:31 “And you saw how the Lord your God cared for you all along the way as you traveled through the wilderness, just as a father cares for his child. Now he has brought you to this place.”

Remember your wilderness, not as a place to stop and despair and cry over.  But remember your wilderness journey and focus on how God brought you out of it!  And if you are still in the wilderness, pray for God to give you strength and pray then recount the ways our father has taken care of you in the past.

*This will be my last post for a few weeks as I head to surgery April 6.  Please keep me in your prayers!  Love, Jenn

An Empty Cup

I felt it was time to write, but I hesitate because I don’t feel like I have anything encouraging to say. I’m reminded of my journey blogging when my son Trey was sick. At one point I remember sharing the struggles I was having- not just sharing the encouraging words I felt I was receiving. But I think it is important to share it all- the good and the bad- so here goes.

I feel like an empty cup. All has been drained from it. I am glass – cold, solid and sturdy yet fragile at the same time. In an instant, I can fall and break and shatter into a million pieces.

I have had such a rough few days. My nephrostomy was successful, but the pain is there. I have a tube in my back that is inserted into my organ. Of course it is not going to be comfortable. It’s difficult to find a comfortable position to sit or sleep and my urine bag hangs from my waist reminding me of my vulnerability.

My bandage bothers me – a wire presses into my back and pulls in and out when I shift or move or stand still.  I had it re-padded the other day at the doctor’s office and as I drove home I thought of my dad.   I cried thinking of him. If he were be alive then he would have driven me to the doctor. He would have encouraged me and said it was going to be ok and then asked me where I wanted to go for lunch. He would have stayed with me all day and watched TV and kept me company.  He would have been here. But he isn’t.

So my physical pain is met with my emotional pain.  And I wallow in self-pity. In an attempt to do something constructive I tried doing laundry and when I got up from the floor my tube caught the knob on my dresser and pulled on my back. I cried and screamed in pain. It shook me.  How much more of this can I endure?

Knowing I needed a break- I went to a movie with my mom. We saw Insurgent and while you would think this action packed movie would cheer me up, I cried watching it!  In one scene, the lead character Triss is confronted with her dead mother- alas, it is just a simulation.  But she is able to be truly vulnerable.  Her mother tells her to be brave.  She cries and tells her mom that she is not brave.  She only pretends to be brave and hopes that others will believe it. I started crying at the scene completely relating. I want to be strong, I want others to see me as someone who can persevere, but I am just an empty cup.

A day has passed and I have decided it is enough wallowing.  I decided to do some digging and came across the story about the jars of clay in the bible. If you are not familiar, 2 Corinthians 4:7 talks about a treasure kept in a jar of clay. A jar of clay is fragile and easily broken- not a vessel that you would think to store anything of great value. But the story says we are that fragile clay pot. I like a commentary I found online that said if we focus on our human side, despair is bound to set in. I’ve been focusing on myself as an empty cup. I have not truly focused in on the treasure that I can tap into and be filled with. I need to be filled – to serve my purpose as a cup. I know the only way to truly be filled is to pray to the Lord- to be filled with living water. Nothing and no-one can fill me.  Only Jesus.

2 Cor. 4:7 says:

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. “

I don’t have to be brave or pretend to be. I don’t have to be strong when I feel weak. I can come to Jesus and cry to him and ask to be filled with his Holy presence, to sustain me, to carry me and to be my Heavenly father.

If you too are feeling empty, like a fragile vessel, pray to God to come and fill you. Isaiah 58:11 says, “And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.”

Training Day

Today was the day- not the “big” surgery day, but the prep surgery.   My mom came with me and was sitting in the room with me.  She brought a book I recommended and had finally started reading called You’ll Get Through This by Max Lucado.  She was reading a section that said we are in a course called life and that we are in training.  She then added her own commentary and said, “we must be training to be navy seals or green berets!”  We both laughed and it made me smile because  it was something my dad would have said to lighten the mood in the dark room and I think he was looking down approving of that one!

As I think about it, that statement is so true.  We are in life training.  Every situation we go through has the ability to make us stronger, more emphathetic and more able to show God’s glory.  Everything we focus on has the ability to make us stronger or make us weaker.

On our way to the hospital, I was going to get pumped up like Rocky! I put on my new gospel CD and played I Believe by Mali Music.  I kept claiming a part of the song. It goes:

Sometimes I can’t see but I still believe

He’s taking care of me

I’m just one of them ole people God’s got a hold on

And I believe, I believe, yeah

I believe, I believe

The song goes on to say:

So I choose to look on the brighter side

In spite, of all the negativity I’m surrounded by

No it ain’t perfect but that’s alright

Cause His hand is on me

It’s keeping me alive

So many disappointments

So much I don’t understand

So much I don’t have answers for

That’s what makes me trust you more.

I was filling my spirit with victory and claiming God’s hand on my life. Even though I don’t understand, I was claiming that it was what was allowing me to trust him more. Praise God for that!

When we go to the hospital and I was in my gown on my bed I started to cry. I began to get scared. Like Peter who took his eyes of Jesus and began to sink. So I got out a sheet of paper that I had typed up scripture verses on the night before.  I began to read the verses over and over and meditate on them. I memorized one that will be my verse throughout this ordeal. It is Joshua 1:5-9

No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you…Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

I kept repeating it over and over until I went back into the room. You see, we are training. We are training to be overcomers. We are training to glorify God in our circumstances. We can’t do it alone. We need the word of God, we need his truth in us. We need music to fill us and remind of his power. We need the Lord!

Thank you for all the prayers, texts and sweet messages. I’m in bed sore and recovering but I made it through this one. Now I have to train mentally and emotionally for the next surgery. On a lighter note, my sweet friend Lindsay texted me and said she was sorry I was celebrating St. Patricks Day with a pee bag. I texted back,  “But I will have my own version of a bag of gold!” Hah! I’m sharing that joke for my dad who never stopped smiling.

Fashion Friday!

I love jewelry- what girl doesn’t? But I especially love jewelry when it is meaningful and has a sentimental value.  I decided to do a post on some of my favorite pieces that each tell a story.

Ever since I was a little girl I’ve loved charm necklaces and bracelets. Andrea Groussman Fine Jewelry has a diamond charm necklace that is definitely more grown up and very glam.  I actually used to do PR for Andrea and worked on trade to get my own charm necklace. It was 2007 – the year my son was born so I chose a cross for the center piece and on each side initials for myself, my husband and my son’s initial.  In 2010 we welcomed our daughter to our family and I was so excited to add the “V” to the necklace. agfinejewelry.com

Most recently my sweet sister in law, bought me this adorable necklace with the words from Hillsong’s Ocean song. It says, “Spirit Lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me.” I absolutely love this song- and in fact I heard it most recently at the IF:Gathering conference and it moved me beyond tears.  When my son was sick as a little baby I would journal and blog.  I remember one entry that perfectly fit how I was feeling.  I felt like I was drowning in an ocean and I wanted God to pick me up and rescue me.  So when I heard this song about keeping my eyes above the waves and walking upon the waters it was a full circle moment for me.  It was God reminding me he was the ocean.  I would just need to stop fighting the waves and float on his merciful waters.  redeemedjewelry.com and if you haven’t heard this beautiful song- check it out here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw

The silver kidney bean is a sweet reminder of my hilarious dad. In 2012 I had to have my right kidney removed as a result from radiation damage from my cancer treatment in 2009.  In the hospital he brought me this kidney bean necklace.  Apparently there are no bounds to what I’ll go through to get some jewelry!  tiffany.com

I was recently introduced to a new jewelry line from Stella & Dot called KEEP Collective. The brand features customizable charms for necklaces and bracelets that slide on and off and you can mix and match.  The possibilities are literally endless. I chose these charms because the center silver circle is a locket where I keep a picture of my dad.  I love having a piece of him with me at all times.  You can order jewelry from my dear friend Chasity. https://www.keep-collective.com/with/chasityrollins

The silhouette necklace features my kids initials on them. I found it at Holiday Mart a few years ago.  I love seeing silhouettes because they have such a cool vintage appeal.  Create your own here: artbyamy.com

 

 

 

 

 

The gold ring was a birthday present from my mom. My dad passed on January 4^th and on my birthday January 26^th, my mom gave me his wedding ring which I had sized.  What a beautiful sentiment. When my dad died I wanted something of his, but I didn’t have anything that was really appropriate.  It wasn’t like I could take his clothes.  But my beautiful mama thought to give me this and it is the best gift I’ve ever received.

After I was pronounced cancer free in 2010, I wanted to celebrate! This white gold and diamond ribbon bracelet commemorated the victory! JL Johnson Fine Jewelry created it for me and is something I’ll always cherish. http://jljohnsons.com/

 

 

 

 

Lastly, my survivor bracelet. Our family vacations in Gulf Shores Alabama and I discovered this brand called Lenny & Eva at a shop in Orange Beach at The Wharf.  The jewelry is so cool because they feature artisan inspired jewelry.  Part of their collection features inspiring tags that you can attach to leather bands or bracelets.  http://lennyandeva.com/